EP1 (Genesis 1-2) of the Bible Beaters podcast Kyle and Caleb explain (poorly) the idea behind the podcast and a little bit about themselves. Then they go back into the beginning of time starting Genesis 1:1 In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. We go over the first week in existence and why the liquor stores close early on Sundays. Adam gets settled into the garden of Eden and Eve comes along causing trouble in paradise.
EP75 (Deuteronomy 29) Our hosts extol the virtues of rugby culture. A heated debate ensues over the ethnicity of Jews versus the religious jew. We finally agree that it comes down to headware. Biblically, covenants are like insurance, you have to renew them every year. So Moses demands they Jews renew their covenant except this one comes with the caveat that the Jews will inevitably break it thus bringing horribly calamities on themselves in the name of the lord. Many badass threats follow and it ends with a choice. The Jews choose death.
EP74 (Deuteronomy 28) In this episode we learn what it means to be the subject of god’s jealousy. If you do not follow the lord you can expect somebody to steal yo gurl, people to borrow your donkey and not return it, your food won’t grow, you will eat your children, and nice sensitive women won’t share their placenta because they are so hungry. That escalated quickly. We solve the problem of what happens after you die.
EP73 (Deuteronomy 28) Kyle is so dumb he used the word “hashtag” instead of the symbol as the title for this episode. That’s the level of intellect on display throughout the entire conversation. We meander into a theological thicket discussing the complexities of works and grace, blessings, and the defense of Winterfell. Evidently, if you follow god’s commands everything is awesome always which means the Jews have much explaining to do. A listener asks how kinky one can get within marriage get biblically speaking. You wouldn’t believe #2… Pastors hate it!
EP72 (Deuteronomy 26-27) Caleb avoids going to jail. 420 in Vancouver was underwhelming. We swap some stories about being dosed/dosing. In case you forgot from last podcast god needs your best stuff to give to the Levites. He also wants altar built the hard way, without tools. On the artisan altar you burn some more of your best stuff. Then they do a cool chant cursing mother fuckers and animals fuckers. A listener asks us what political party god would belong to.
EP71 (Deuteronomy 13-14) Happy Easters all ye unfaithful! In an Easters miracle Caleb’s car comes back from the dead aka the tow truck yard. God makes a list of people who aren’t allowed to go to church, including, but not limited, to transsexuals and children of incestuous parents. Then god makes rules for camping: 1: If you have a wet dream leave. 2. Dig a poop hole. God lists some laws off the top of his head… our favorites: No prostitute money allowed in church, if a woman attacks a mans genitals her hand should be cut off. Show her no pity.
Ep70 (Deuteronomy 20-21) Moses gives the Israelite’s a pep talk before they go to war and tips for avoiding the Israeli draft. We have an open discussion about the biblical age of consent and spiritual science. There are some very specific laws laid out, like breaking a heifers neck in the case of manslaughter and stoning your drunken rebellious son (putting the fear of the lord into Caleb but not Kyle). Then Moses wades into marriage violations and divorce law which, as you would expect, have strong support from feminists the world over. Nobody sends us emails anymore.
EP69 (Deuteronomy 18-19) The unfaithful attempt to unravel the mystery of the trinity which turns out to be magic. Then the Interrupter sets the podcast back a week. Then we get into the nitty gritty specifics of human sacrifices and the occult. God lays out the rules for prophets, being that if you make one wrong prediction you are to be stoned to death. But before they finally go to war Moses lays out some laws regarding murder, manslaughter, and how many witnesses need in ancient law. Really proud of this episode because it is episode 69. Nice.
EP68 (Deuteronomy 15-16) The Interrupter informs us about the perils of sailing garages. The Jews get financial planning advice from god and it turns out that it actually works. Every seven years they have a financial purge where all the debt goes. Then god doles out some very progressive advice about how to treat the people one owns as property. Next god has strict instructions on when, where, and how to party in god’s name. In fact we are commanded to have a good time. Then god tells us rules about how to govern. Pretty much everything has a death penalty in this holy utopia. A listener gives us some great ideas.
EP67 (Deuteronomy 13-14) The Lord of hosts gets his car stolen. We speculate on what it’s gonna be like to open for the cheeseburger eater Randy. Miracles are they possible? Can foreskins grow back? We pray that they can. If anyone convinces you that this is possible they should be put to the sword. A new list of foods that cannot be eaten are listed and ridiculed. Finally racism is identified and shunned and ultimately not allowed on this podcast.
EP66 (Deuteronomy 12) On this episode we celebrate the interrupters 31 anniversary of birth. Meanwhile The lord of host showed 35,000 people his pubes. It was empowering. One of the unfaithful gets the tough love answer to his question. God has some very specific instructions about where to worship him, including a commandment that it has to be fun. Caleb gives a crash course about the Protestant reformation. We also learn about how angry god gets if we pray to other gods so we start by praying to the flying spaghetti monster.