Big Gay Retard – Episode 021 (Exodus 5-6) Caleb tries to tell us about his rugby game. Kyle interrupts to say nothing. In the bible Moses and A-A-ron reluctantly agree to be the voice of god and tell Pharaoh to let god’s people go because they wanna go to burning man. Instead of simply changing Pharaoh’s mind to be nice to the Jews, god hardens Pharaoh’s heart… and our dicks. Pharaoh says no way Mosé and for even asking for days off your work is now doubled. Everyone is pissed at Moses so he complains back to god. God says “watch this shit. I’ve been waiting to have a reason so smite these mofo’s with plagues.”
EP20 (Exodus 3-4) The Israelites are miserably enslaved and god decides to send help for his favorite people so he decides Moses is the man for the job. The only problem is that Moses really doesn’t wanna be the guy. God then has to convince this little shit that Moses is, in fact, the right guy for the job. Moses performs a few magic tricks but Kyle and Caleb are unimpressed and get massively sidetracked. God decides to kill Moses but his mom comes to the rescue just in time and circumcises Moses and rubs the foreskin on his feet. Seriously, it’s pretty weird. It’s also confirmed that god’s plan is to kill people.
EP19 (Exodus 1-2) Long after Joseph has died the Israelites have been coerced into slavery by the Egyptians. In fact the jewish infestation is so severe that pharaoh orders all hebrew boys to be thrown into the Nile. Luckily for Moses his mother put him in a basket first. Which in turn is found by the kings daughter and just like the the Jews are back in business. Moses commits murder and runs away but god knows where to find him.
EP18 (Genesis 47-50) God springs his terrible plan into action. Joseph gets the last laugh because the famine is so severe that not only does he gather everyone’s money but also all of their possessions, land, and even the people themselves to become slaves in return for the food he has saved. Jacob Israel gives some more of that juicy blessing to his children Joseph puts his hand under his thigh. Caleb gets a new shirt and gives all the bible beaters a personal blessing.
EP17 (Genesis 45 – 46) Kyle the interrupter ruins the podcast before it can even begin to get any momentum sending our hosts spiraling into drunken raving. Joseph reveals his true identity which blows everybody’s minds and loads. We find out that god has a plan for everyone and, in your case, its most likely that you are fodder for somebody else’s big plan. Turns out god’s plan for Israel is to enslave the Jews so he sends Israel or Jacob down to Egypt. We apologize for not being sorry about god’s shitty plan for us to say all of the stuff we said.
EP16 (Genesis 42-44) So Joseph’s brothers have to make the trek to Egypt to get food because god decided the world should go on diet. Luckily, Joseph had a metric fuck ton of food saved up. The brothers aren’t about to be let off so easily, Joseph accuses them of being spies and locks up Simeon in jail. The sons of Israel are sent off with their own money in their sacks and told to bring the spoiled brat Benjamin back with them if they want any food. Jacob, or Israel, say no way Jose! Ruben brakes the test of wills by offering his own children in case Benjamin dies ensuring death for somebody!
EP15 (Genesis 38 – 41) In this episode we find out that god does in fact cry over spilled semen, or rather will put you to death for it. One can be redeemed by becoming a prostitute though so don’t despair. Next back to the dreamer and his fancy cloak. Joseph get’s #metoo’d but saves the entire country from a famine by interpreting some night time work delusions. Praise yahweh!In this episode we find out that god does in fact cry over spilled semen, or rather will put you to death for it. One can be redeemed by becoming a prostitute though so don’t despair. Next back to the dreamer and his fancy cloak. Joseph get’s #metoo’d but saves the entire country from a famine by interpreting some night time work delusions. Praise yahweh!
EP14 (Genesis 35-37) Kyle gives a hilariously bad summary of Bible up to this point. We then become Alt right anti-Semites for a bit before abandoning those dumb ideas to be scientific biblical literalists. Caleb becomes incredibly frustrated trying to read 3 pages of names and this is very funny to Kyle. Then Joseph the dreamer gets a really fancy coat.
EP13 (Genesis 32-34) The hairy baby has grown into a hairy man and Jacob fears his twin Esau’s vengeance. He is so scared he wrestles with god all night and demands yet another blessing like the Jew he is. In the process he founds the nation of Israel out of stolen blessings. He sends his brother a bunch of animals and all is forgiven. Then Israeli’s first national act is to trick the people who wanna be friends with them into cutting the tips of their dicks off, then murdering them. We didn’t write this, Moses did.
EP12 (Genesis 30-31) In this episode of the bible beaters Jacob (the deceiver) uses the classic scam of peeling almond branches and putting them in the watering troughs of spotted or speckled goats in order to rip off his father in law of his fattest animals. After this somehow works, Jacob decides hes had enough of his overbearing father in law and takes his two sister wives and flees. Rachel steals her dads gods (statues). Laban pursues and eventually catches up but then god speaks to Laban in a dream and tells him not tell Jacob anything good or bad. Immediately ignoring god’s warning Laban tells Jacob everything. Laban accuses Jacob of stealing his gods and searches every where for them but Rachel sits on em and says shes on the rag. Laban gives up and decides to make peace with Jacob. A heap of rocks bears witness to this momentous occasion.