Bible Beaters Archives - Canada Comedy

In The Beginning – (Genesis 1-2)

January 4, 2018April 13, 2020admin

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 56:00 — 51.5MB)

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EP1 (Genesis 1-2) of the Bible Beaters podcast Kyle and Caleb explain (poorly) the idea behind the podcast and a little bit about themselves. Then they go back into the beginning of time starting Genesis 1:1 In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. We go over the first week in existence and why the liquor stores close early on Sundays. Adam gets settled into the garden of Eden and Eve comes along causing trouble in paradise.

This is Davids Plunder

May 31, 2020May 29, 2020admin

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 1:19:20 — 74.5MB)

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EP130

Holy Ghost Power (1 Samuel 25 – 26)

May 24, 2020May 29, 2020admin

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 1:14:52 — 70.4MB)

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EP129 (1 Samuel 25 – 26) Kyle gets into a frisbee golf fight. Kyle eloquently recaps David’s life for the past year or so. David has escaped into the desert of Ziph. He recruits some scouts and sneaks past Abner son of Ner into Saul’s camp and absconds with Saul water bottle and spear. Once again David’s men encourage him to end Saul’s life but David will not lay a hand on god’s anointed. Once David shows Saul that he could have killed king Saul yet again, Saul realized his wickedness and promises David he will not try to harm him again. David then goes back into the land of Gath and starts raiding and trading from land of the Philistines. A listener asks us about christ’s sacrifice.

Beautiful AND Smart (1 Samuel 24 – 25)

May 17, 2020May 29, 2020admin

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 1:18:42 — 73.9MB)

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EP128 (1 Samuel 24 – 25) Caleb returns from Isolation Festival. Saul has dealt with the Philistines in his rear and returns to pursuing David. David and 600 of his buddies hide in a cave. Saul decides he needs to drop a king sized deuce in said cave. As the fart sounds amplify off of the natural acoustics David’s men tell David that this is the moment he has been waiting for. David creeps up behind Saul and cuts off a corner of his cloak. He uses this to prove to Saul that he does not intend to kill Saul. Saul totally believes him which may last for 5 minutes. David, then moves on to the richest guy around’s property and stands next to his goats. For this “protection” David affords he demands compensation. The rich guy’s hot wife gives David a bunch of food. David spares the rich man’s life but he dies of natural causes 6 days later. David takes this rich mans wife and property. A listener has a dream to be interpreted.

I Eat Ashes for Breakfast (Psalms 54, 56) (BONUS)

May 13, 2020May 16, 2020admin

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 1:06:30 — 62.7MB)

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EP127 (Psalms 54, 56) This is the official opening of the book of Psalms. Honestly, the Psalms kinda sucks so we are giving it to you as a bonus. If your wondering what happened at 6:30, we had to edit a part out for being too funny. It’s basically the equivalent of finding David’s diary. It’s full of poems about how everyone is mean to him, how he’s gay for god, how he gets sad sometimes, and how he gets glad sometimes. We talk about why the Psalms are included in the bible, the glaring contradictions inherent in choosing parts to apply to your life, coming to religion later in life, and of course the Jews. Kyle even reads for a bit. If you hate it go ahead and shit on us in the comments.

This Shit is B.A.N.A.N.A.S (1 Samuel 23-24)

May 10, 2020May 11, 2020admin

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 1:43:28 — 94.7MB)

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EP126 (1 Samuel 23-24) Kyle is going bald. After Saul massacred the priests at Nob, David is gathering forces at Keliah. Saul attempts a to seige Keliah in order to trap David. David asks god what he should do and god tells him to flee because king Saul is on the way. So Dave runs into the desert of Ziph, where prince Johnathan comes to tell him that everybody and their dogs know that David will soon be king. They make another covenant before the lord which sounds kinda gay. Just as Saul is about to catch up to David the pesky Philistines attack forcing Saul to break off his pursuit. A listener writes back to defend himself.

Daddy in Heaven (1 Samuel 20-21)

May 3, 2020May 2, 2020admin

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 1:21:31 — 76.5MB)

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EP125 (1 Samuel 20-21) (Psalms 11 & 51) Kyle is right and Caleb apologies thereby fulfilling the prophecy. After David confirms that Saul is out to kill him, he flees to the land of Nob where he lies to the priest so that the priest will help. The priest is out of regular bread, but he does have some holy bread. Holy bread can only be consumed if you have not had sex in a few days. Luckily for David, he gets less pussy than Sylvester the Cat, so he eats some bread then writes a couple poems about how hard his life is. The priest furnishes him with Goliath’s old sword; a powerful weapon recognizable anywhere in the kingdom, before sending David away. Running low on options David takes the most reckless of chances and walks into the hostile land of Gath. He is immediately recognized by his enemies and brought before the King of Gath. Thinking quickly, David pretends to be insane and it totally works. A listener asks us about the problem of evil.

Peginas (1 Samuel 19)

April 26, 2020May 2, 2020admin

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 1:13:55 — 69.5MB)

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EP124 (1 Samuel 19) Kyle’s travel plans are cancelled. Saul’s jealousy of David’s success culminates in a red wedding-like plot to kill David. Luckily, Dave has an inside man in prince Johnathan. Thus begins the best bromance in the bible. The pair decide its best for Dave to skip the festival and Johnathan gauges the kings reaction. Saul is furious and David goes into hiding. A listener demonstrates the efficacy of flattery.

Bring Me the Dicks of My Enemies (1 Samuel 14)

April 19, 2020May 2, 2020admin

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 1:20:16 — 75.4MB)

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Ep123 (1 Samuel 14)
Caleb loves the pandemic, Kyle hates it, Young Tism is retarded. We dip our dicks into the Psalms and then continue with the story. King Saul is jealous of David’s success so he hatches a diabolical plan. David wants to marry Sauls daughter. Saul sends David on a quest for 100 Philistine foreskins hoping that the Philistines will kill David. David pulls an alpha male move and brings king Saul 200 foreskins and then bangs his daughter. A listener asks us about the the top 10 commandments.

David and Goliath (1 Samuel 17)

April 12, 2020May 2, 2020admin

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 1:22:58 — 77.8MB)

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Ep122 (1 Samuel 17) The young tism makes his podcast debut. Caleb talks about being underage in a bar in England. Kyle is getting into frolf. In the bible the Israelites are facing off against their bitter enemies the Philistines. A champion standing over 9 ft tall named Goliath of Gath taunts the Israelites day and night for 40 days. Can a you shepherd boy stand up to this uncircumcised Philistine. A listener asks about the 900 year old people.

Fill Your Horn With Oil and Take a Heffer (1 Samuel 16)

April 6, 2020May 2, 2020admin

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 1:21:24 — 76.4MB)

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Ep121 (1 Samuel 16) Kyle postulates that universal education is a waste of money. We go over the fates of the 12 Apostles of Jesus. Simon Peter is notable for inventing Bad Religion’s logo. Saul’s tenure of the kingship has come to an end, at least in god’s mind, so god has his mouthpiece go and slather a young handsome shepherd boi with oil. SO hot. god then hexes his ex bf with an evil torturous spirit because he is petty that way. A listener questions if the Jews are really god’s favorite.