Bible Beaters

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EP41

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EP40 (Leviticus 22) If you want to jump into the middle of the podcast this episode is for you. Kyle MC’s his friends wedding and nearly ruins the big day. Caleb reports on his “fishing” trip to Kitimat with his weird dad. Caleb then masterfully summarizes the bible up to this point. Then god tells us he will kill people who make offerings when they are unclean which is all the time. We learn that god will not accept sacrifices or people who are disabled. This leads to a philosophical conversation on faith and losing one’s faith.

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EP39 (Leviticus 17 – 19) The Beaters got hate mail! Sorta. Biblically, nepotism begins to show itself when Moses tells the Israelites that sacrifices can only be made to the Levites. Kyle gets hung up on the biblical rituals because they don’t provide any powers. Then, the bible bans all kind of sex stuff rendering the incest porn trend illegal. Kyle admits to his undying love of the Spice Girls. Finally, we get some actual good advice from the bible. It only took 39 episodes.

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EP38 (Leviticus 20 – 21) God tells us what to do to people who break his decrees. Usually, its some horrible method of death such as stoning or burning. Kyle and Caleb get pretty side tracked talking about 3rd world executions and many ignorant claims are made. The podcast gets progressively grosser as the bible describes what to do zoophiles. Priests have some special rules under god because they make is food. That’s right god needs to eat. For example god doesn’t want any daughters of priest becoming prostitutes, disabled priests because hes a dick like that. A listener writes a fantastic email comparing Kyle to Moses.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 1:13:39 — 67.5MB)

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Ep37 (Leviticus 15 – 16) The Bible Beaters get philosophical about gods ethics vs the Apostle Paul’s ethics after Caleb gets trolled on Facebook. Does morality evolve? the Bible says yes despite the fact god is timeless. Next we learn about how to make things unclean: 1. have a discharge 2. touch anything. Menstruation is very unclean and women who do it are not allowed to touch anybody for a week. Kyle bets a six pack that only 25% of people have periods. He loses. The biblical priests also gamble with the lives of the goats and kill one on god’s orders.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 1:22:41 — 75.7MB)

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EP36 (Leviticus 12 – 14) Caleb recounts his disastrous trip to Vancouver. Then we jump into the medical section on the the bible with both unclean feet. Periods are gross and women who have them shouldn’t touch anything. Skin diseases are unclean. So are discharges. If you have them you get kicked out of the camp. Turns out the best way to get rid of uncleanness is to crack a bird open and dip a live bird in the blood and splash it on whatever it is that’s unclean.

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EP35 (Leviticus 8 – 11) A A Ron and his sons get their special outfits and oil dumped on their heads and become “holy.” This holiness prevents god from killing them as long as they follow the rules. Of course the first thing god wants the priests to do after their ordination is kill something. They oblige. Apparently Nadab and Abihu didn’t get the memo and use unauthorized fire to burn some goats. This angers god, whom ,may I remind you is slow to anger and abounding in loving forgiveness, to burn them alive with spontaneous holy god fire. Next we learn about why Jews can’t eat bacon, or monitor lizards for that matter.

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EP34 (Leviticus 4 – 7) Caleb tells us about his weekend in PG which naturally devolves into a heated argument about animal abuse. Biblically, we get into the concepts of thought crime and how one can be guilty for the sins of others, more regulations about what animals to burn, abstract ideas about what it means to be holy (nothing), topped off with nepotism sanctioned by the lord god. At the end we read an email about the parallels of the bible to the moron bible, I mean mormon.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 1:13:22 — 67.2MB)

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Ep33 (Leviticus 1 – 4) Kyle gives us a summary of the bible up to this point which highlights how little he pays attention. Then we dive into the book of Leviticus. Which is primarily about what animals god wants you to kill and how to kill them. Not humanely is the answer. We learn about the 5 types of offerings and when one is supposed to offer them (hint: all the time). Kyle postulates that the economics of sinning make it virtually impossible for any person to practice god’s laws.