Bible Beaters

In The Beginning – (Genesis 1-2)

In The Beginning – (Genesis 1-2)

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Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 56:00 — 51.5MB)

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EP1 (Genesis 1-2) of the Bible Beaters podcast Kyle and Caleb explain (poorly) the idea behind the podcast and a little bit about themselves. Then they go back into the beginning of time starting Genesis 1:1 In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. We go over the first week in existence and why the liquor stores close early on Sundays. Adam gets settled into the garden of Eden and Eve comes along causing trouble in paradise.

God’s Ant Farm (2 Samuel 11)

God’s Ant Farm (2 Samuel 11)

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Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 52:18 — 47.9MB)

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EP137 (2 Samuel 11) Some young lady tries to witness to Kyle via tinder. She politely directed us to an apologetics website that makes a lot of really good points. 3500ish years ago a guy named David was maybe conquering all of his neighbors. After awhile he grew tired of this and came home for a nap. After his nap he went to look over his kingdom as if he were Mufasa from his rooftop. From his perch he spied some big ol’ tiddies and sent his homie to inquire further. He banged her and then felt bad about it because it was his buddies son’s wife and its just bad form. So he sent for buddy (Uriah the Hittite) and did some real not cool things to this guy. A listeners asks us if hentai is a sin.

360 R***** Flip (2 Samuel 8-10)

360 R***** Flip (2 Samuel 8-10)

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Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 1:04:11 — 58.8MB)

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EP136 (2 Samuel 8-10) Kyle has the worst hangover of his life. David completes his systematic genocide of the Moabites, Arameans, Zobahites, Edomites, Philistines, and other peoples in graphic detail. After returning home with the belongings of now extinct people groups David decides to do something magnanimous and do something nice for his desceased best friend and lover Johnathan. He hooks Johnie’s crippled lad up with a castle and a bunch of slaves to run it. Mephibosheth (say that out loud right now) is grateful and David goes back to what god intended: killing his neighbors. The Ammonites team up with the Aramean and their combined strength is no match for god and they are easily defeated and slaughtered. A listener confides that she is a non-believing christian in a christian school.

Cancel God (2 Samuel 7)

Cancel God (2 Samuel 7)

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Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 1:03:44 — 58.5MB)

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EP135 (2 Samuel 7) The boys celebrate Canada Day with Caleb’s grandparents. Caleb talks about the good ol’ water chugging church days. In the bible David decides that god should live in a house and not a tent. god says he doesn’t want to live a house. David spends more than a little time telling god how awesome he is. Kyle wonders if god has a dick and how he manifested himself on earth. It our contention that god sexually assaulted Mary and he should be cancelled. Keith informs us why Jews cannot press button. #cancelgod

Fat Lives Matter

Fat Lives Matter

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Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 1:16:09 — 69.7MB)

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EP134 Fat Lives Matter The prodigal host Simeon Campbell returns. Caleb has a new business venture. Kyle joins the boys in Solidarity. In Bible times, Ish Boseth, the last obstruction to David taking the entire kingdom of Israel, has been murdered. David declares war on the Jebusites, takes the city of Jerusalem and names it after himself. The next order of business is to get the ark of the covenant over there, so he holds a parade. The ark nearly trips and falls but Uzzah saves the day by steadying the cart. For this god kills him. Then king David hosts Israel’s biggest dance party. His wife is pissed at his half naked dance moves. David becomes even more undignified than this… Some would say its foolishness!

This Podcast is Cursed (2 Samuel 3-4)

This Podcast is Cursed (2 Samuel 3-4)

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Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 1:00:26 — 55.3MB)

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EP133 (2 Samuel 3-4) The world is slowly emerging from its cocoon and the dudes are back to performing comedy. After king Saul’s suicide his general Abner is having trepidations about waging further warfare against David who seems to have god’s blessing. The new king Ish Boseth accuses Abner son of Ner of banging his dad’s prozzies so Abner makes peace with David and offers his professional services. David is happy to have his old friend back on his side but his second in command Joab will not serve next to his brothers’ murderer. Joab avenges his brothers murder in a dark alley. King David is pissed and curses Joab. A listener asks us about biblical infallibility.

12 on 12 Knife Fight (2 Samuel 2-3)

12 on 12 Knife Fight (2 Samuel 2-3)

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Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 1:16:26 — 71.8MB)

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Ep132 (2 Samuel 2-3) The fellas start discussing abortions but cant decide who should end the discussion. David continues his conquest of Israel against Abner son of Ner the de-facto general of Saul’s army. Abner runs away like Drew Brees and gets cornered. First he send propagandists like the communist to weaken thier moral position. Then he proposes a 12 on 12 knife fight which ends in Joab kicking all sorts of ass. after losing 12 of his best knife fighters Abner decides to join king Davids cause. A listener is mean for no reason.

Dear God, Burn This Nation Down (1 Samuel – 2 Samuel)

Dear God, Burn This Nation Down (1 Samuel – 2 Samuel)

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Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 1:35:35 — 89.4MB)

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EP131 (1 Samuel – 2 Samuel) The fella’s return from a camping trip to find the world on fire. Kyle opened his mind to acid and may never be the same again. In the bible king Saul’s life culminates in the deaths of all of his sons and the total destruction of Israel’s army. After all hope is lost king Saul asks his armour bearer to end his life. The armour bearer is a basic bitch and a bad friend and says “you won’t do it pussy!” Saul promptly does it and it was badass. So badass the armour bearer follows up with his own swan sword dive. David learns of Sauls death from some self serving liar who tries to take credit for the soduko. David executes this weasle immediately then sings a song about it. Keith corrects us on the topic of gods evil.