Bible Beaters

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EP66

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EP65 (Deuteronomy 10-11) Caleb has a new hat that sparks great controversy. Moses has to remake some tablets for god to write his commandments on because Moses smashed the first ones. We learn that god is completely impartial and that he has chosen the Jews over everyone else in his perfect impartiality. Kyle gets pretty hung up on which parts of the bible god meant and didn’t mean. One of our unfaithful listeners asks if its ok to tip gay people.

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EP64 (Deuteronomy 8) The unfaithful discuss the state of comedy in Canada prompting Kyle to uncanadianly declare that he will never apologize for ANY of jokes he tells. Moses starts his fox news propaganda spin on the exodus debacle. He claims that it’s really the Jew’s fault god did all those horrible things. At least god did give the Jews the most durable sandals in history. Then Moses describes how god gave him the 10 commandments and how they became smashed to smithereens. Kyle correctly points out that the thing only god ever wrote were the 10 commandments and the rest of the bible is superfluous. Moses planks for 40 days. NO FOOD. NO WATER. FACE DOWN.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 1:18:40 — 72.0MB)

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Ep63 (Deuteronomy 6-7) The lord of hosts explains why his broadcasting school went bankrupt. God gives the Israelites a bunch of reasons why he is better than the other gods. Then he tells the Israelites to invade and plunder the people in the promise land.  God issues number of threats including the hornet that Kyle finds hilarious. Caleb tries to explain the concept of spiritual warfare and nearly goes insane justifying its veracity. A listener asks how to get over the irrational fear of hell.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 52:21 — 47.9MB)

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EP62 (Deuteronomy 5) The unfaithful take their girlfriends out for valentines day. Out of a fiery cloud god tells the Israelites 10 things that they should remember. The first four are propaganda, four make sense, and two are completely impossible to follow. Kyle finds some interesting loops holes that god clearly put there on purpose. A listener asks for god’s input on cross dressing.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 1:03:03 — 58.0MB)

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EP61 (Deuteronomy 4) The unfaithful talk about their Superbowl wicked Superbowl party. Caleb divulges his darkest secret. God betrays his inherent insecurity by yet again banning idol worship and promising to punish for generations transgressors while simultaneously showing mercy (as if this were possible). Moses blames the Jews for all of his problems some more. The merits of bullying are discussed. Please send us emails.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 57:07 — 52.3MB)

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EP60 (Deuteronomy 2.5-4) The unfaithful compare their terrible haircuts. Kyle fat shames Caleb. God promises to help destroy Israel’s neighbors. So the Jews engage in treachery to trick their enemies but it doesn’t work so they, with the help of the merciful and just creator, kill every man, woman and child justly. So manifest destiny 1.0 rampages through the middle east massacring everyone en route.

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EP59 (Deuteronomy 2) Caleb and Kyle definitively solve climate change and all governmental problems. Moses continues his recap of the the Jews exodus from Egypt. We get into the nuance and finer points of god’s blessings.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 1:12:56 — 67.0MB)

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EP58 (Deuteronomy 1) KYLE  READS THIS WEEK! The Bible Beaters start the fifth book of the bible attributed to the legend Moses. Caleb has no voice because of excessive screaming at a show. We learn a little background about Deuteronomy and then Moses provides a confusing summary. Kyle makes many outrageous claims and defends them tenaciously. Caleb gets torched by a listeners email.