There’s Only One Way to Tell if Your Baby Floats – (Exodus 1-2)

There’s Only One Way to Tell if Your Baby Floats – (Exodus 1-2)

EP19 (Exodus 1-2) Long after Joseph has died the Israelites have been coerced into slavery by the Egyptians. In fact the jewish infestation is so severe that pharaoh orders all hebrew boys to be thrown into the Nile. Luckily for Moses his mother put him in a basket first. Which in turn is found by the kings daughter and just like the the Jews are back in business. Moses commits murder and runs away but god knows where to find him.

God’s Plan 2.0 – (Exodus 3-4)

God’s Plan 2.0 – (Exodus 3-4)

EP20 (Exodus 3-4) The Israelites are miserably enslaved and god decides to send help for his favorite people so he decides Moses is the man for the job. The only problem is that Moses really doesn’t wanna be the guy. God then has to convince this little shit that Moses is, in fact, the right guy for the job. Moses performs a few magic tricks but Kyle and Caleb are unimpressed and get massively sidetracked. God decides to kill Moses but his mom comes to the rescue just in time and circumcises Moses and rubs the foreskin on his feet. Seriously, it’s pretty weird. It’s also confirmed that god’s plan is to kill people.

Big Gay Retard – (Exodus 5-6)

Big Gay Retard – (Exodus 5-6)

EP21 (Exodus 5-6) Caleb tries to tell us about his rugby game. Kyle interrupts to say nothing. In the bible Moses and A-A-ron reluctantly agree to be the voice of god and tell Pharaoh to let god’s people go because they wanna go to burning man. Instead of simply changing Pharaoh’s mind to be nice to the Jews, god hardens Pharaoh’s heart… and our dicks. Pharaoh says no way Mosé and for even asking for days off your work is now doubled. Everyone is pissed at Moses so he complains back to god. God says “watch this shit. I’ve been waiting to have a reason so smite these mofo’s with plagues.”

A Plague of Dick Jokes – (Exodus 7-8)

A Plague of Dick Jokes – (Exodus 7-8)

EP22 (Exodus 7-8) Kyle tells an embarrassing story about not picking up a stripper. In the bible god begins to demonstrate his awesome power. For his first trick Aaron throws down his staff and it becomes a snake. Pharaoh’s magicians copy the trick and so begins the magicians duel. Kyle literally can’t stop making dick jokes to the dismay of Caleb and everyone listening. Then god plagues Egypt with blood, frogs, flies, and gnats. Each time pharaoh wants to let the Israelites go but god makes sure he can’t change his mind just so he can smite Egypt with all the plagues and tell people about it. Remember that god loves you.

God Likes His Steak Well Done – (Exodus 9-11)

God Likes His Steak Well Done – (Exodus 9-11)

EP23 (Exodus 9-11) The magicians duel is heating up. Pharaoh’s magicians bow out at producing gnats so Moses goes 6 steps further and with god’s help plagues the Egyptians with dead livestock, festering boils, giant balls of hail, swarms of locusts, darkness one can feel, and death of every first born human and animal. Then god commands the Israelites to celebrate culling the firstborn of everything every year with a special festival called Passover. Everyone knows hows festivals can get a little crazy and Passover is no different. First you slaughter a healthy 1 year old male lamb and smear its blood on 3 sides of your door frame. Next eat the whole lamb. If somebody is visiting from out of town they have to be circumcised if they wanna partake and avoid the angel of death. I heard the chainsmokers are headlining this year.

The Least Creative Way to Kill People – (Exodus 12-14)

The Least Creative Way to Kill People – (Exodus 12-14)

EP24 (Exodus 12-14) Caleb recounts being berated by one of his heroes Doug Stanhope. The Jews are celebrating the first Passover (read the first moment god did NOT kill your firstborn). It is imperative that nobody eats yeast and don’t ask me to explain it. Then the Israelites perform one of the greatest escapes of all time by fleeing through the parted Red Sea. Kyle naturally has many questions how this could be possible leading to intelligent scholarly debate. Pharaoh follows with his 600 best chariots and all of his other chariots. No one survives.

God Feeds Humans Like Ducks – (Exodus 15-18)

God Feeds Humans Like Ducks – (Exodus 15-18)

EP25 (Exodus 15-18) Kyle gets robbed by a homeless person and has to buy his own phone back. Caleb cracks a guys teeth in half. In the Bible god’s chosen people are celebrating the major victory god gave them by drowning their enemies who foolishly tried to follow them across the dry bottom of the Red Sea. Miriam writes a song about it and Caleb sings it horribly. Red Sea 1 – Pharaoh 0. Caleb explains what a tambourine is for no reason. Next the Israelites follow a trail of magic bread to a water hole with magic wood to make it taste good. The Amalekites are wiped out of existence by Moses’ holding his arms up. Moses then gets some good advice from his father in law and forms the first government of Israel (the people not the place because they don’t know how to get there lol).

The Ten Commandments – (Exodus 19-20)

The Ten Commandments – (Exodus 19-20)

EP26 (Exodus 19-20) Caleb comes second last place in an air guitar competition. Kyle is still really hung up on a piece of wood leading to the logical conclusion that god is retarded. God starts making more promises about all the great stuff he will do and tells Moses to come talk to him at the top of Mt. Sinai and then immediately go back town to tell people stuff. As is tradition, any person or animal that touches the mount will die. Then God gives his iconic list of 10 things not to do. Caleb and Kyle debate the merits of gods law. Caleb explains how to deal with people handing out pamphlets. Caleb gives us the Bible Beater commandments.

The Donkey of Someone Who Hates You – (Exodus 20-22)

The Donkey of Someone Who Hates You – (Exodus 20-22)

EP27 (Exodus 20-22) God expands on his Top Ten list of things not to do. Highlights include progressive ideas like “anyone who curses their father or mother is to be put to death” or “If you see the donkey of someone who hates you fallen down under its load, do not leave it there; be sure you help them with it.” Kyle and Caleb ineptly argue the worth and practical implications of old laws in modern times. Kyle learns the difference between and altar and an arch.

God Likes Meeting in Private – (Exodus 23-24)

God Likes Meeting in Private – (Exodus 23-24)

EP28 (Exodus 23-24) Kyle and Caleb discuss failed business ventures. Kyle tells everyone who listens to this podcast to “GO FUCK YOURSELVES” Caleb calmly tells him to lower his eyebrows. The podcasts divulges into a general discussion about Christianity and what Jesus talked about. Then we get to talking about more of gods laws.