Genesis

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EP1 (Genesis 1-2) of the Bible Beaters podcast Kyle and Caleb explain (poorly) the idea behind the podcast and a little bit about themselves. Then they go back into the beginning of time starting Genesis 1:1 In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. We go over the first week in existence and why the liquor stores close early on Sundays. Adam gets settled into the garden of Eden and Eve comes along causing trouble in paradise.

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EP2 (Genesis 2-5) of the story takes a dramatic turn. The woman god put there causes the fall of all mankind and basically ruins life for everyone. Adam and Eve get kicked out of Eden and begin the arduous task of populating the entire earth. Due to overcrowding of the planet the first murder takes place and we find out why it is so hard to be a farmer.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 1:03:32 — 58.2MB)

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EP3 (Genesis 6-9) God already regrets making mankind at all and decides to kill almost everyone. He does this by flooding the entire planet. Fortunately for living things god instructs Noah to build a big ass boat and put two of every kind of animal on it. Rainbows are involved somehow.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 1:05:17 — 59.8MB)

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EP5 (genesis 9-12) Humanity tries to repopulate after being destroyed in the floods.  Somebody gets the idea of building a tower up to heaven but the lord god puts the kibosh on that dream by smiting people Chinese. Kyle gets upset that the bible has cliff notes.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 1:04:55 — 59.5MB)

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EP6 (Genesis 12-14) We are introduced to Abram who becomes maybe the most important pimp of all time. God picks Abram as his favorite person and decides that he will bless his offspring over everybody else’s. There is a war between 9 kings but Abram wins with gods help.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 1:02:24 — 57.2MB)

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EP7 (Genesis 15-19) The first thing god decides his favorite person has to do is circumcise himself and everyone he owns then change his name to Abraham. That is why this episode is called episode 7. The complaining about all the buttsex in Sodom gets so loud that god finally sends some angles… The townspeople try to rape the angels. God kills everybody again. Seriously, I can’t make that up.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 1:00:23 — 55.3MB)

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EP8 (Genesis 20-23) After the destruction of the Sodomites Lot’s wife is turned into a pillar of seasoning. Since there are no men around Lot’s daughters come to the rational conclusion that they are forced to Bill Cosby their father to ensure the family line. Meanwhile, Abraham gets up to his old antics of pretending Sarah is his sister and trading her to the king. God fulfills his promise and Sarah has a son in her old age which she (and we) find hilarious. Then, god tells his favorite person to subject his new son Isaac, whom Abraham loves, to a mock execution because he’s cool like that. At the end of episode Sarah dies and is buried in a place which Abraham pays full price and not a shekel more for.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 1:03:41 — 58.3MB)

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EP9 (Genesis 24-25) Isaac is all grown up and the most eligible bachelor around. In keeping with his incestuous heritage Abraham sends his servant back to the homeland to find a wife for him from amongst his relatives. The diligent servant fulfills his quest and gets a hot babe named Rebekah for his new master and tells this story 5 times in a row. In a giant leap for feminism, this woman gets to choose for herself. Kyle tries vainly to shirk his reputation of a dumb-ass. Caleb gets interrupted more than usual.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 1:03:00 — 57.7MB)

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EP10 (Genesis 26-28) our hosts start to suffer some real world consequences for merely reading god’s holy word. In the story, yet another famine strikes and god tells Isaac not to flee to Egypt but to stay among the philistines. Isaac uses his dad’s classic trick and pretends his wife is his sister to the dismay of the king. The philistines return the prank by filling in all his wells. A battle rages inside Rebekah’s womb for supremacy of the Jews. Twin boys are born, one is an orangutan the other is a crafty mama’s boy. Jacob steals the magic of “god’s favorite” blessing because there is a limited amount and not enough for everyone.