Two Chicks at the Same Time – (Genesis 29-30)

Two Chicks at the Same Time – (Genesis 29-30)

EP011 (Genesis 29-30) So Jacob stole his hairyness’ inHAIRitence. Well more specifically his birthright and blessing (which there is a finite amount of for some reason.) Esau the orangutan is pissed and vows to kill his bro. Jacob flees like the mama’s boy he is and whilst running away gets tired and has a nap that inspired the greatest rock song of all time. Jacob ends up running into his uncle Laban who happens to have two daughters for Jacob to marry. Laban’s swindles the deceiver in to 7 years of labor to marry his own cousin and give Jacob the other sister. Jacob gets scammed into another 7 years for the cousin he really wants. Now he has both his cousins under one roof the sisters get in a baby making contest. Leah gets the upper hand so Rachel starts using her slaves vagina. Leah doesn’t wanna get left out so she employs her slaves vagina. chaos ensues.

Hitler’s Angel – (Genesis 30-31)

Hitler’s Angel – (Genesis 30-31)

EP12 (Genesis 30-31) In this episode of the bible beaters Jacob (the deceiver) uses the classic scam of peeling almond branches and putting them in the watering troughs of spotted or speckled goats in order to rip off his father in law of his fattest animals. After this somehow works, Jacob decides hes had enough of his overbearing father in law and takes his two sister wives and flees. Rachel steals her dads gods (statues). Laban pursues and eventually catches up but then god speaks to Laban in a dream and tells him not tell Jacob anything good or bad. Immediately ignoring god’s warning Laban tells Jacob everything. Laban accuses Jacob of stealing his gods and searches every where for them but Rachel sits on em and says shes on the rag. Laban gives up and decides to make peace with Jacob. A heap of rocks bears witness to this momentous occasion.

Birth of a Nation – (Genesis 32-34)

Birth of a Nation – (Genesis 32-34)

EP13 (Genesis 32-34) The hairy baby has grown into a hairy man and Jacob fears his twin Esau’s vengeance. He is so scared he wrestles with god all night and demands yet another blessing like the Jew he is. In the process he founds the nation of Israel out of stolen blessings. He sends his brother a bunch of animals and all is forgiven. Then Israeli’s first national act is to trick the people who wanna be friends with them into cutting the tips of their dicks off, then murdering them. We didn’t write this, Moses did.

A List of Useless Names – (Genesis 35-37)

A List of Useless Names – (Genesis 35-37)

EP14 (Genesis 35-37) Kyle gives a hilariously bad summary of Bible up to this point. We then become Alt right anti-Semites for a bit before abandoning those dumb ideas to be scientific biblical literalists. Caleb becomes incredibly frustrated trying to read 3 pages of names and this is very funny to Kyle. Then Joseph the dreamer gets a really fancy coat.

DreamWeaver – (Genesis 38 – 41)

DreamWeaver – (Genesis 38 – 41)

EP15 (Genesis 38 – 41) In this episode we find out that god does in fact cry over spilled semen, or rather will put you to death for it. One can be redeemed by becoming a prostitute though so don’t despair. Next back to the dreamer and his fancy cloak. Joseph get’s #metoo’d but saves the entire country from a famine by interpreting some night time work delusions. Praise yahweh!In this episode we find out that god does in fact cry over spilled semen, or rather will put you to death for it. One can be redeemed by becoming a prostitute though so don’t despair. Next back to the dreamer and his fancy cloak. Joseph get’s #metoo’d but saves the entire country from a famine by interpreting some night time work delusions. Praise yahweh!

Starvation and Revenge – (Genesis 42-44)

Starvation and Revenge – (Genesis 42-44)

EP16 (Genesis 42-44) So Joseph’s brothers have to make the trek to Egypt to get food because god decided the world should go on diet. Luckily, Joseph had a metric fuck ton of food saved up. The brothers aren’t about to be let off so easily, Joseph accuses them of being spies and locks up Simeon in jail. The sons of Israel are sent off with their own money in their sacks and told to bring the spoiled brat Benjamin back with them if they want any food. Jacob, or Israel, say no way Jose! Ruben brakes the test of wills by offering his own children in case Benjamin dies ensuring death for somebody!

It’s Gods Plan and It’s Not Good – (Genesis 45 – 46)

It’s Gods Plan and It’s Not Good – (Genesis 45 – 46)

EP17 (Genesis 45 – 46) Kyle the interrupter ruins the podcast before it can even begin to get any momentum sending our hosts spiraling into drunken raving. Joseph reveals his true identity which blows everybody’s minds and loads. We find out that god has a plan for everyone and, in your case, its most likely that you are fodder for somebody else’s big plan. Turns out god’s plan for Israel is to enslave the Jews so he sends Israel or Jacob down to Egypt. We apologize for not being sorry about god’s shitty plan for us to say all of the stuff we said.

The Bible Beaters – Handjob of Death – (Genesis 47-50)

The Bible Beaters – Handjob of Death – (Genesis 47-50)

EP18 (Genesis 47-50) God springs his terrible plan into action. Joseph gets the last laugh because the famine is so severe that not only does he gather everyone’s money but also all of their possessions, land, and even the people themselves to become slaves in return for the food he has saved. Jacob Israel gives some more of that juicy blessing to his children Joseph puts his hand under his thigh. Caleb gets a new shirt and gives all the bible beaters a personal blessing.