EP108 (Judges 21) We discuss the business of saving souls. We pick up the biblical insanity right where we left off. After the total destruction of all Benjaminite towns, the men of Israel make an oath to not give their daughters to a Benjaminite in marriage. All of the sudden the schizophrenic Jews feel bad about what they did to Benjamin and weep bitterly. They hold a meeting which the tribe of Jabesh Gilead does not attend and this is about as good a reason as any to kill all of the men of that tribe and take their daughters to be wives for the Benjaminite’s. The only problem is that they are about 200 young virgins short, so the Israelites hatch an even wackier plan. They tell the Benjaminite’s to hide next to a dance party and steal the girls they want and carry them back to Benjamin. A listener follows up on an email about conservative parents.
EP107 (Judges 20) Hurricane Wesley has come to town. The tribes of Israel are preparing for war! Yet another perposteroni tony sized army (400,000) Jew’s show up to avenge the Levite’s concubine. They send messengers to Benjamin demanding the evil men of Gibeah to be turned over and the Benjaminite’s tell the rest of Israel to go fuck themselves. The lord decides the tribe of Judah should be the first into battle and they are slaughtered by the Benjaminite’s losing almost 50,000 men in 2 days. The Israelites decide to ambush the Benjaminite’s by drawing them from their walled city and kill them by the thousands in the open field. Only 600 Benjaminite’s survive. Somebody listened to 38 episodes of this podcast in a row and has advice for us.
EP105 (Judges 17-18) Coming at you LIVE this week, we discuss biblical ornaments and carvings. In bible times a man named Micah makes some idols for god, in spite of the fact that god has command people not to make idols. In order to get back on god’s good side he employs a priest. The preist turns on Micah when a mob shows up and steals all of idols that Micah made. One of the weirdest most irrelevant stories in the bible. Keith sends us an update.
EP104 (Judges 16) Chad is in town and him and Kyle get involved with some wayward women. We spend about half an hour reading about and discussing the nature of heaven in response to last week’s question. Heaven absolutely bananas. god has failed experiments covered in eyes shouting about how great he around the clock. It has walls, gates, pools, rocks, and golden streets. Big fucking deal. Back in Samson time, at a huge party for the Philistine god Dagon samson is brought out to be laughed at by his enemies. Samson asks god for his strength to return one last time. Luckily for Samson, the Philistine temple is engineered like the death star and all its weight is supported by 2 pillars which Samson pushes down killing more of his enemies at once than he did in the rest of his life. A listener asks us who would bottom. Idea to travel back in time as ourselves and interact with the characters.
EP103 (Judges 16) Caleb returns from California with some good stories and he’s very sorry for being 4 days late. Samson, the bane of the Philistines, is surrounded and locked in a town while he bangs a prostitute. He wakes up and tears the city gates out from of the wall and marches them to the top of a nearby hill. It seems that Samson can’t get enough of that Philly tang and marries another Philistine woman named Delilah. She nags him for weeks and after giving her several wrong answers Samson reveals that the secret to his strength is his new fuckin haircut, or rather, the fact he has never cut his hair. She haves his head and hands him to the Philistines who gouge out Samson’s eyes and chain him to a mill stone. A listener asks what heaven is like.
EP102 (Judges 14-15) Caleb and his bros go to the Alestorm concert. Samson’s escapades begin with choosing a Philistines bride. On the way to the wedding he is attacked by a lion and Samson tears it apart with his bear (lol) hands. At the wedding Samson makes a wager with the Philistines. They will forfeit thirty linen garment and thirty sets of clothes if they cannot solve his riddle in seven days. The riddle is difficult, so the Philistines threaten Samson’s new wife with death and the death of her family to get the answer out of him. Samson tells her, she tells the Philistines, and Samson is out thirty sets of new suits. Realizing he was tricked Samson decides to go to the nearest Philistine town and kill thirty people and take their clothes. If that not enough he catches 300 foxes and ties torches to their tales and let’s run amok through their crops and vineyards. This prompts martial law and the Philistines send a small army to arrest Samson. He single handedly kills a thousand Philistines with a jawbone of a donkey.
EP101 (Judges 12-13) The podcast begins with a behind the scenes look at Kyle’s editing proficiency. Caleb visits a pig farm. Jephthah continues his conquest of southern Israel. At one point he captures all of the Jordan river crossings and kills forty-two thousand people who talk with a lisp. After Jephthah comes a few nobodies but finally Samson arrives on the scene. An angel visits Samsons mother she makes a deal with the lord that Samson’s head will “never be touched by a razor.” Nobody sends us emails and it makes Caleb angry.
EP100 (Judges 10-11) The fellas recount a hell gig in hick town where a literal horse walked into the bar. Once again, the fickle Jews start following other gods and yahweh is forced to punish them yet again. This is the story of Jephthah the son of prostitute who rises up to free the Israelites from the yoke of the Ammonites. Jephthah makes a deal with god that he will sacrifice whatever walks out his front door to god if god will bring him victory. Of course, the first thing to walk out his front door is his daughter and thus we read about the first case of human sacrifice in the bible. A listener sows the seeds of debate. Jay dyer… possible crosscast.
EP99 (Judges 9) Happy Demon Christmas! This is the story of Abimelek, a bastard, one of 71 sons of Gideon. Abimelek decides he doesn’t want to share power with his 70 brothers so he tricks them into hiring mercenaries that he uses against them. After this betrayal the youngest brother, Jotham, warns the Shecemites if they follow this evil king Abimelek their kingdom will burn. Abimelek gets away with it for 3 years until god sends a demon to make the citizens turn against their king. The citizens of Shecem hatch a plan to rebel against Abimelek under a man named Gaal. Gaal leads army to fight Abimelek and is defeated and driven out of town. Abimelek burns down the tower of Shecem with 1000 men and women inside. He goes to the next town to do the same thing but has a millstone dropped on his head. We get an email from some Christians who somehow still like the podcast.
EP98 (Judges 8) Caleb reminisces about the time he threw a party and 200 people showed up. Gideon chases his enemies through neighboring territories and his allies are butt hurt they didn’t get part of the loot. While in hot pursuit of his enemies he asks the local people for food for his men. The locals tell him to pound sand and Gideon responds that when he is finished with his enemies he will come back and “tear you flesh with desert thorns” and “tear down this tower.” Gideon is a badass and does exactly what he said he would do. I listener asks how to deal with very conservative parents.