Not Enough Goats to Burn – (Leviticus 1 – 4)

Not Enough Goats to Burn – (Leviticus 1 – 4)

Ep33 (Leviticus 1 – 4) Kyle gives us a summary of the bible up to this point which highlights how little he pays attention. Then we dive into the book of Leviticus. Which is primarily about what animals god wants you to kill and how to kill them. Not humanely is the answer. We learn about the 5 types of offerings and when one is supposed to offer them (hint: all the time). Kyle postulates that the economics of sinning make it virtually impossible for any person to practice god’s laws.

The Irony of a Holy Dildo – (Leviticus 4 – 7)

The Irony of a Holy Dildo – (Leviticus 4 – 7)

EP34 (Leviticus 4 – 7) Caleb tells us about his weekend in PG which naturally devolves into a heated argument about animal abuse. Biblically, we get into the concepts of thought crime and how one can be guilty for the sins of others, more regulations about what animals to burn, abstract ideas about what it means to be holy (nothing), topped off with nepotism sanctioned by the lord god. At the end we read an email about the parallels of the bible to the moron bible, I mean mormon.

Unauthorized Fire is Punishable by Fire – (Leviticus 8 – 11)

Unauthorized Fire is Punishable by Fire – (Leviticus 8 – 11)

EP35 (Leviticus 8 – 11) A-A-Ron and his sons get their special outfits and oil dumped on their heads and become “holy.” This holiness prevents god from killing them as long as they follow the rules. Of course the first thing god wants the priests to do after their ordination is kill something. They oblige. Apparently Nadab and Abihu didn’t get the memo and use unauthorized fire to burn some goats. This angers god, whom ,may I remind you is slow to anger and abounding in loving forgiveness, to burn them alive with spontaneous holy god fire. Next we learn about why Jews can’t eat bacon, or monitor lizards for that matter.

If You’re Not Sure Wing It (Sayeth the Lord) – (Leviticus 12 – 14)

If You’re Not Sure Wing It (Sayeth the Lord) – (Leviticus 12 – 14)

EP36 (Leviticus 12 – 14) Caleb recounts his disastrous trip to Vancouver. Then we jump into the medical section on the the bible with both unclean feet. Periods are gross and women who have them shouldn’t touch anything. Skin diseases are unclean. So are discharges. If you have them you get kicked out of the camp. Turns out the best way to get rid of uncleanness is to crack a bird open and dip a live bird in the blood and splash it on whatever it is that’s unclean.

Discharge on an Escape Goat – (Leviticus 15 – 16)

Discharge on an Escape Goat – (Leviticus 15 – 16)

Ep37 (Leviticus 15 – 16) The Bible Beaters get philosophical about gods ethics vs the Apostle Paul’s ethics after Caleb gets trolled on Facebook. Does morality evolve? the Bible says yes despite the fact god is timeless. Next we learn about how to make things unclean: 1. have a discharge 2. touch anything. Menstruation is very unclean and women who do it are not allowed to touch anybody for a week. Kyle bets a six pack that only 25% of people have periods. He loses. The biblical priests also gamble with the lives of the goats and kill one on god’s orders.

Punishment for Sin – (Leviticus 17 – 19)

Punishment for Sin – (Leviticus 17 – 19)

EP39 (Leviticus 17 – 19) The Beaters got hate mail! Sorta. Biblically, nepotism begins to show itself when Moses tells the Israelites that sacrifices can only be made to the Levites. Kyle gets hung up on the biblical rituals because they don’t provide any powers. Then, the bible bans all kind of sex stuff rendering the incest porn trend illegal. Kyle admits to his undying love of the Spice Girls. Finally, we get some actual good advice from the bible. It only took 39 episodes.

Unlawful Sexual Relations – (Leviticus 20 – 21)

Unlawful Sexual Relations – (Leviticus 20 – 21)

EP38 (Leviticus 20 – 21) God tells us what to do to people who break his decrees. Usually, its some horrible method of death such as stoning or burning. Kyle and Caleb get pretty side tracked talking about 3rd world executions and many ignorant claims are made. The podcast gets progressively grosser as the bible describes what to do zoophiles. Priests have some special rules under god because they make is food. That’s right god needs to eat. For example god doesn’t want any daughters of priest becoming prostitutes, disabled priests because hes a dick like that. A listener writes a fantastic email comparing Kyle to Moses.

Praying for Faith – (Leviticus 22)

Praying for Faith – (Leviticus 22)

EP40 (Leviticus 22) If you want to jump into the middle of the podcast this episode is for you. Kyle MC’s his friends wedding and nearly ruins the big day. Caleb reports on his “fishing” trip to Kitimat with his weird dad. Caleb then masterfully summarizes the bible up to this point. Then god tells us he will kill people who make offerings when they are unclean which is all the time. We learn that god will not accept sacrifices or people who are disabled. This leads to a philosophical conversation on faith and losing one’s faith.

Death Punishable by Death – (Leviticus 23 -24)

Death Punishable by Death – (Leviticus 23 -24)

EP41 (Leviticus 23 -24) Kyle goes to the greatest concert of the 1990’s. In the bible we learn about god’s festivals that he wants us to celebrate (shambala doesn’t count. It’s not even the real bala!) The festivals have some weird rules for example waving a lamb at god before killing and burning it. It’s important not do do any work during festival season also. Then we learn about a curly haired croc fucker who insults god must get stoned and not the good kind. Right after god tell’s his people to throw rocks at a person until he dies god reminds us that anyone who takes the life of a human being must be put to death. In closing we get a couple good emails sparking conversation on the nature of god and free will vs god’s will.

Below Market Value Jesus – (Leviticus 25 – 27 )

Below Market Value Jesus – (Leviticus 25 – 27 )

EP42 (Leviticus 25 – 27 ) Finally we finish Leviticus! First, Caleb bitches about how poor he is and Kyle is covered in poison ivy. God tell us to give the land a sabbath and introduces the concept of jubilee. Kyle thinks this is evidence that some smart guy wrote this. Blasphemy! Jubilee gives the Jews rules for buying and selling land and people. Turns out men really are worth more than women and Jesus wasn’t sold at full price. We discuss some high minded slavery and prison related ideas with tact. Then god tells what good things will happen if we follow his laws followed by a page death threat if we do not follow them.