Bible Beaters

Here Comes The Bride (1 Kings 13)

Ep166 (1 Kings 13) Caleb has had his balls removed. In Bible times, king Jeroboam is worshipping cows will nilly so god sends a man from Judah to put a stop to it. The man uses his god powers to wither the king’s hand and then restore it. The king tries to repay the jesus…

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Jeroboam Rehoboam

Ep165 (1 Kings 12) Kyle gets beat down worse than Connor Macgregor. Solomon has died and the Kingdom is passed to his son Rehoboam. His first order of business is to tell all his dad’s advisors to go fuck themselves and hire his buddies. Next, he tells his subjects that the beatings will continue until…

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Justice Boner (1 Kings 11)

Ep 164 (1 Kings 11) Much like christ, the Lord of Hosts has been forsaken by his father. The King of Tardness finds this hilarious and bullies him. 3000 years ago Solomon has finished notching his bed post for the literal thousandth time. Dem asses makes Solomon worship the wrong god(s) by accident and this…

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Solomon’s Hoes (1 Kings 11)

EP163 (1 Kings 11) The interupter gets ripped off on Facebook marketplace. This week the bible reads more like a magazine listing all of the hookups of king Solomon. Solomon, the wisest man to have ever lived past, present, or future, takes for himself 700 royal wives. If that were not enough he picked up…

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Smoke Sheba Sheba (1 Kings 10)

EP162 (1 Kings 10) Caleb delves into his dark past as a crackhead. The bible turns into a reality show. The Queen of Sheba visits Solomon to validate the claims of his wealth and wisdom. Solomon of course lives up to the hype as the smartest man that ever lived. Next, it turns into an…

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Anti-Semantic-ism (1 Kings 9)

EP161 (1 Kings 9) Happy New Year Dipshits! The year of our lord 2020 is over and it ended with a spectacular shit show. The boys head up to the woods for a bonfire and somebody gets real stuck. In the distant, non existent past the lord answers King Solomons prayers. He says some nice…

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Cheeseburgers in the Snow (1 Kings 8)

EP160 (1 Kings 8) Merry Christmas dildos! Its a covid Christmas nightmare. The Interrupters family comes to town with hives of bees. We’re not kidding. The Lord of Hosts tries Zoom Caroling. 4000 years ago Solomon dedicated the temple to the lord, humble bragging the entire time. We discuss the preposterous number of animals sacrificed….

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Patreon.com/BibleBeaters

We love that you made it this far, glad you’re enjoying the podcast and want more. For Exodus and the rest of the archives go to patreon.com/biblebeaters or skip ahead and get the newest 10 episodes free. Thank you for supporting The Bible Beaters Podcast.

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The Bible Beaters – Handjob of Death – (Genesis 47-50)

EP18 (Genesis 47-50) God springs his terrible plan into action. Joseph gets the last laugh because the famine is so severe that not only does he gather everyone’s money but also all of their possessions, land, and even the people themselves to become slaves in return for the food he has saved. Jacob Israel gives some more…

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It’s Gods Plan and It’s Not Good – (Genesis 45 – 46)

EP17 (Genesis 45 – 46) Kyle the interrupter ruins the podcast before it can even begin to get any momentum sending our hosts spiraling into drunken raving. Joseph reveals his true identity which blows everybody’s minds and loads. We find out that god has a plan for everyone and, in your case, its most likely that…

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