Bible Beaters

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EP87

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EP86 (Joshua 16-18) Kyle is so obsessed with garage sailing that Caleb nearly takes one of the many toasters Kyle won’t shut up about for a baptism. Caleb has an epic story about being marooned in a small town without pants. The jews commit and record number of genocides and war crimes.

We have more lists of places and people that seem boring and long winded, however these are crucial to your salvation, so do not skip this episode. A listener emails in with some good points about the practical reality of the sun stopping. 

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 1:17:02 — 72.4MB)

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EP85 (Joshua 14-15) Caleb comes back from Armstrong Metal Fest and regales us with tales of alcoholism and overdoses. We learn how Caleb got his name. The bible character Caleb goes and kills giants as 85 year old badass. Then there is more names and places. A historian shits on Kyle’s reading skills and calls Caleb a neckbeard while wondering what should be done with the holy city of Jerusalem.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 1:10:28 — 66.4MB)

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EP84 (Joshua 12-13) The podcast begins with some comedy shop talk and meanders in to fight stories. We skip ahead a little bit and hear the story of when a girl gets burned alive and it was pleasing to the lord. Then we have lists of defeated kings and kingdoms followed by the division of lands and provinces. A listener asks about what kind of equipment we have which turns out to be spam. Then we try to lose all of our fans.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 56:50 — 53.9MB)

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EP83 (Joshua 10-11) Kyle gets a new place. He then says that he can do the podcast by himself and proceeds to fail horribly. Kyle perfectly encapsulates the next 5 chapters of the bible as a game of risk, We are at the point of the game where everybody knows who will win but we still have to go the rigmarole of rolling the dice and moving the pieces. Except in this case men, women, and children are suffering horribly and god likes it. We come across Caleb’s favorite Bible verse.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 1:44:43 — 97.7MB)

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EP82 (Joshua 10) We talk about Kyle’s horrible taste in music. Kyle is worried about finding a new place to live. The Jews now need to protect their new property the Gibeonites. So they march out against an alliance of five kings. God casts a spell of confusion on them and the rain hail on them. An incredible miracle occurs when god stopped the sun in the sky so that his people can prolong the indiscriminate killing of their enemies. The kings are captured and tortured before being hung from trees. Kieth sends us a wonderful rambling email.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 1:27:56 — 82.4MB)

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EP81 (Joshua 9) Kyle cleans up his hunting cabin. Caleb smuggles a grenade on a plane. Judas priest came to town. In bible times the Gibeonites find an ingenious way to escape god’s wrath. They pretend to be from far away and asks if they can be slaves instead of massacred. Joshua likes this idea but is very disappointed when he finds out they actually live in the promised. Bound by their own honor the Israelites enslave the Gibeonites and make them water carriers. 

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 1:33:43 — 87.7MB)

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Ep80 (Joshua 7-9) Kyle’s fishing trip was a moderate success. Caleb learns that he needs to shut the fuck about other peoples podcasts. The Jews after suffering a minor setback continue their conquest burning the the city of Ai and massacring the habitants. We imagine how much work we could get done with thousands of slaves. Time to renew God’s covenant before it expires. A listener asks about the inbredness of Jesus and his immediate family. Another listener extols the veracity of the bible. What an idiot.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 1:27:21 — 80.8MB)

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EP79 (Joshua 5-7) Golf is not a sport. The podcast gets meta. We touch on the hilarious concept of spiritual warfare. Next the Jews, with god’s help, bring down the oldest walled city on planet earth in extraordinary fashion. They march around it playing trumpets to the annoyance of the residents. They kill everyone except to the prostitute and her family and take all the loot. Then some douche bag named Achan steal some plunder and causing 36 Israeli casualties. A listener asks us about LGBT christians.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 1:15:31 — 70.0MB)

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Ep78 (Joshua 3-5) The Israelites are finally invading the promised land and they arrive at the first obstacle. The Jordan river lies between them and the city of Jericho (the planet’s oldest walled city.) Once again the Jews get across the water without getting their feet wet because god piles the river up in heap. We get hung up on this for quite some time imagining scenarios in which this could be possible. The Jews take 12 rocks as irrefutable proof that this event happened. Then they have another dick cutting session because god loves that shit. We get a little side tracked talking about breast milk. A listener asks us if he should sacrifice his wife to god.