Bible Beaters

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EP52 (Numbers 23 – 24) The unfaithful muse about child rearing. Biblically, we return to the story of Balaam who gets eternally blamed for doing exactly what god says. The king offers Balaam money to curse the Jews but Balaam is a gangster and blesses them instead. After the meaningless blessings, Israel has an orgy in the shadow of the false God Baal. Needless to say, god is pissed. Some great listener emails this week.

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EP51 (Numbers 21 – 22) The Israelites are on the warpath. After a they make bargain with god to “utterly destroy” these people they immediately forget and complain about food. Abounding in loving forgiveness, god sends venomous snakes to remind those dildo’s who is in charge. Luckily they create an idol to look at so they can be healed. Then the lords nomads wander into and destroy Sihon and Og. Then the king of Moab hires Balaam, a sorcerer, to curse the Israelites. Unfortunately he works for the lord god. Then god gets angry at Balaam for doing exactly what he told him to so he sends an angel to kill Balaam. A talking donkey prevents this.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 1:08:02 — 62.5MB)

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Bonus EP01 In this podcast the prophet Stacey Campbell (who is also Caleb’s mom) came to talk to us. As it is her first visit we explore her background and how she became a famous prophet. Biblical themes are discussed such as speaking in tongues, god’s will, heaven and hell, and false god.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 1:31:08 — 83.7MB)

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EP50 (Numbers 19 – 20) Caleb’s piece of shit car gets broken into. Kyle cross dresses as his dad for Halloween. We learn about the magic holy water that is used for making unclean things clean. The theoretical implications of the economics for living in a clean society put severe strain on the believability of this ridiculous tome. In this weeks magic display Moses gets water out of a rock. Edom denies Israel passage then A A Ron dies.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 1:35:57 — 88.1MB)

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EP49 (Numbers 17 – 18) The lord of hosts recounts his trip to Nekrogoblikon. No its not comic con for goblins. With ashes of 250 people smouldering and 14,700 bodies rotting with the plague gods next trick is to make A A rons staff grow almonds to remind them who is really in charge. More duties and bullshit for levites to do. We also discuss the biblical morality of suicide and indian giving.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 1:11:37 — 65.8MB)

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Ep48 (Numbers 14 – 16) Caleb has to open for Creed. The guy not the band. Kyle admits defeat in an argument about the origin of religion. The Israelites ignore the lord warnings and attack the Canaanites. They lose horribly. At this dramatic junction god takes a time our to remind us what kind of offerings he likes. Some poor bastard forgets what day it is and collects wood on Sunday and god commands the people to stone him. Some Jews think that Moses is lording over them and say as much. God goes full hulk mode and kills 15,000 people in his abounding forgiveness.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 1:11:16 — 65.5MB)

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EP47 (Numbers 11 – 13) Caleb tries to clarify what he said earlier and the podcast devolves into a apologizing circle-jerk. In the bible the Israelites are getting sick of Moses’s Cushite wife so Miriam and A-A(ron) go to talk to him about. God, in his great mercy, strikes Miriam with a plague. The Jews finally make it to the promise land and send in a dozen spies to investigate. Ten men were bad and two were good. The spies say they can’t overcome the giants living there so the people rebel against Moses. God responds with typical loving kindness and sentenced them all to death.

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EP46 (Numbers 10 – 11) The lord of hosts was a bit of a dickhead on another podcast. The lord commands the Israelis to party in remembrance of when god killed every firstborn child in Egypt. God then takes the form of cloud and misleads a million jews through the desert. God commands they make silver vuvuzelas and annoying everyone in his name. The Israelites set out from Mt. Sinai without their without the only guy who knows where they are. They become lost immediately.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 1:09:37 — 64.0MB)

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EP45 (Numbers 8 – 9) The Beaters trudge into the social swamp of #metoo with some really progressive ideas. Next Moses receives a bunch of free stuff on behalf of god setting up the template for corrupt televangelists everywhere. Then a big list of names and stuff that is quite hard to read because god is testing us. Then god tells the Levites to shave each others assholes.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 1:11:06 — 65.3MB)

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EP44 (Numbers 5 – 7) You heard it here first! Golf is not a sport. We discuss some of the historicity of the Jews wandering the desert. Have you ever wondered if your woman is unfaithful? Use this test:1. Create holy water, 2, write a curse and rinse the curse in the water, 3 Make her drink it. God says this will induce a miscarriage if she’s guilty. Next if you wanna be a next level follower of god (Nazarite) don’t cut your hair. If somebody dies next you, your life is ruined.