Bible Beaters Archives - Page 2 of 8

God Gets Jelly – (Deuteronomy 4)

February 11, 2019March 8, 2019admin

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 1:03:03 — 58.0MB)

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EP61 (Deuteronomy 4) The unfaithful talk about their Superbowl wicked Superbowl party. Caleb divulges his darkest secret. God betrays his inherent insecurity by yet again banning idol worship and promising to punish for generations transgressors while simultaneously showing mercy (as if this were possible). Moses blames the Jews for all of his problems some more. The merits of bullying are discussed. Please send us emails.

Just Passing Through – (Deuteronomy 2.5-4)

February 5, 2019March 8, 2019admin

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 57:07 — 52.3MB)

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EP60 (Deuteronomy 2.5-4) The unfaithful compare their terrible haircuts. Kyle fat shames Caleb. God promises to help destroy Israel’s neighbors. So the Jews engage in treachery to trick their enemies but it doesn’t work so they, with the help of the merciful and just creator, kill every man, woman and child justly. So manifest destiny 1.0 rampages through the middle east massacring everyone en route.

Episode One (Anakin Still Sucks) – (Deuteronomy 2)

January 29, 2019February 27, 2019admin

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 1:08:04 — 62.3MB)

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EP59 (Deuteronomy 2) Caleb and Kyle definitively solve climate change and all governmental problems. Moses continues his recap of the the Jews exodus from Egypt. We get into the nuance and finer points of god’s blessings.

Dooderonamy – (Deuteronomy 1)

January 22, 2019February 27, 2019admin

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 1:12:56 — 67.0MB)

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EP58 (Deuteronomy 1) KYLE READS THIS WEEK! The Bible Beaters start the fifth book of the bible attributed to the legend Moses. Caleb has no voice because of excessive screaming at a show. We learn a little background about Deuteronomy and then Moses provides a confusing summary. Kyle makes many outrageous claims and defends them tenaciously. Caleb gets torched by a listeners email.

Shenanigans – (Numbers 33 – 36)

January 15, 2019February 27, 2019admin

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 1:24:19 — 77.4MB)

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Ep57 (Numbers 33 – 36) The Bible Beaters come back from their brief hiatus with sad news. The bible then lists all the stops on Israel make believe journey through the desert. The jews then begin to the divide the spoils of the war the haven’t fought yet but are confident they will win. Caleb profoundly embarrasses himself. Then there are some very weird laws about manslaughter and cities of refuge.

The Lords Anger is Arousing – (Numbers 32 – 33)

December 24, 2018February 27, 2019admin

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 1:15:13 — 69.1MB)

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EP56 (Numbers 32 – 33) The Lord of Hosts recounts his hellish Christmas party gigs. Then they talk about how to become a man in a hot tub. In the Bible the Jews cross the Jordan river and conquer more territories. Of course god gets angry about something and it makes him aroused.

Feminist Bible and the 6400 Virgins – (Numbers 29 – 31)

December 17, 2018February 27, 2019admin

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 1:38:27 — 90.4MB)

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Ep55 (Numbers 29 – 31) Caleb describes his trip to the hipster cyclist cafe. It was a catastrophe. In the bible the slow to anger god demands the Israelites destroy the Midianites for letting their women have sex with the Jewish men. On god’s instruction they burn down the Midianite cities and take all the virgin women as slaves. Kyle slanders Mother Teresa. One of the unfaithful asks us about the feminist bible. It’s dumber than it sounds.

God’s Menu – (Numbers 27 – 28)

December 10, 2018February 27, 2019admin

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 57:38 — 53.0MB)

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EP54 (Numbers 27 – 28) Guess what? More offerings. Caleb tells some rugby stories. The bible has some progressive ideas about what women are allowed to make vows about. The unfaithful discuss the ethics of mega churches and televangelists.

Harder, Harder, Too Hard! – (Numbers 25 – 26)

December 3, 2018February 27, 2019admin

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 1:13:47 — 67.8MB)

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EP53 (Numbers 25 – 26) Kyle gets misogynistic about women and he hates dogs. Caleb gets misogynistic about women drivers. We dive right into an orgy with the Moabites. God, who is slow to anger and abounding in forgiveness of rebellion, is, of course, SUPER jealous and commands Moses to kill the leadership. Then while they are weeping a man brings a woman to bang in his tent. God strikes down 24,000 people with the plague. So a descendant of A-A-Ron stabs them both with a spear. Joshua is selected as the new leader of Israel.

Blame Balaam – (Numbers 23 – 24)

November 26, 2018February 27, 2019admin

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 1:34:07 — 86.4MB)

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EP52 (Numbers 23 – 24) The unfaithful muse about child rearing. Biblically, we return to the story of Balaam who gets eternally blamed for doing exactly what god says. The king offers Balaam money to curse the Jews but Balaam is a gangster and blesses them instead. After the meaningless blessings, Israel has an orgy in the shadow of the false God Baal. Needless to say, god is pissed. Some great listener emails this week.