Bible Beaters

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EP68 (Deuteronomy 15-16) The Interrupter informs us about the perils of sailing garages. The Jews get financial planning advice from god and it turns out that it actually works. Every seven years they have a financial purge where all the debt goes. Then god doles out some very progressive advice about how to treat the people one owns as property. Next god has strict instructions on when, where, and how to party in god’s name. In fact we are commanded to have a good time. Then god tells us rules about how to govern. Pretty much everything has a death penalty in this holy utopia. A listener gives us some great ideas.

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EP67 (Deuteronomy 13-14) The Lord of hosts gets his car stolen. We speculate on what it’s gonna be like to open for the cheeseburger eater Randy. Miracles are they possible? Can foreskins grow back? We pray that they can. If anyone convinces you that this is possible they should be put to the sword. A new list of foods that cannot be eaten are listed and ridiculed. Finally racism is identified and shunned and ultimately not allowed on this podcast.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 1:00:07 — 55.3MB)

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EP66 (Deuteronomy 12) On this episode we celebrate the interrupters 31 anniversary of birth. Meanwhile The lord of host showed 35,000 people his pubes. It was empowering. One of the unfaithful gets the tough love answer to his question. God has some very specific instructions about where to worship him, including a commandment that it has to be fun. Caleb gives a crash course about the Protestant reformation. We also learn about how angry god gets if we pray to other gods so we start by praying to the flying spaghetti monster.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 1:10:23 — 64.7MB)

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EP65 (Deuteronomy 10-11) Caleb has a new hat that sparks great controversy. Moses has to remake some tablets for god to write his commandments on because Moses smashed the first ones. We learn that god is completely impartial and that he has chosen the Jews over everyone else in his perfect impartiality. Kyle gets pretty hung up on which parts of the bible god meant and didn’t mean. One of our unfaithful listeners asks if its ok to tip gay people.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 1:18:50 — 72.5MB)

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EP64 (Deuteronomy 8) The unfaithful discuss the state of comedy in Canada prompting Kyle to uncanadianly declare that he will never apologize for ANY of jokes he tells. Moses starts his fox news propaganda spin on the exodus debacle. He claims that it’s really the Jew’s fault god did all those horrible things. At least god did give the Jews the most durable sandals in history. Then Moses describes how god gave him the 10 commandments and how they became smashed to smithereens. Kyle correctly points out that the thing only god ever wrote were the 10 commandments and the rest of the bible is superfluous. Moses planks for 40 days. NO FOOD. NO WATER. FACE DOWN.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 1:18:40 — 72.0MB)

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Ep63 (Deuteronomy 6-7) The lord of hosts explains why his broadcasting school went bankrupt. God gives the Israelites a bunch of reasons why he is better than the other gods. Then he tells the Israelites to invade and plunder the people in the promise land.  God issues number of threats including the hornet that Kyle finds hilarious. Caleb tries to explain the concept of spiritual warfare and nearly goes insane justifying its veracity. A listener asks how to get over the irrational fear of hell.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 52:21 — 47.9MB)

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EP62 (Deuteronomy 5) The unfaithful take their girlfriends out for valentines day. Out of a fiery cloud god tells the Israelites 10 things that they should remember. The first four are propaganda, four make sense, and two are completely impossible to follow. Kyle finds some interesting loops holes that god clearly put there on purpose. A listener asks for god’s input on cross dressing.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 1:03:03 — 58.0MB)

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EP61 (Deuteronomy 4) The unfaithful talk about their Superbowl wicked Superbowl party. Caleb divulges his darkest secret. God betrays his inherent insecurity by yet again banning idol worship and promising to punish for generations transgressors while simultaneously showing mercy (as if this were possible). Moses blames the Jews for all of his problems some more. The merits of bullying are discussed. Please send us emails.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 57:07 — 52.3MB)

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EP60 (Deuteronomy 2.5-4) The unfaithful compare their terrible haircuts. Kyle fat shames Caleb. God promises to help destroy Israel’s neighbors. So the Jews engage in treachery to trick their enemies but it doesn’t work so they, with the help of the merciful and just creator, kill every man, woman and child justly. So manifest destiny 1.0 rampages through the middle east massacring everyone en route.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 1:08:04 — 62.3MB)

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EP59 (Deuteronomy 2) Caleb and Kyle definitively solve climate change and all governmental problems. Moses continues his recap of the the Jews exodus from Egypt. We get into the nuance and finer points of god’s blessings.