Bible Beaters

Bible Beaters Goes Heavy Metal (1 Kings 16)

Ep170 (1 Kings 16) Today we react to 2 thousand years of oppression. Some genius put gods voice to guitar and we had to sit through it. In bible times we had to sit through 3 non hall of famers to get to Elijah the greatest prayer of ALL time. You wouldn’t believe how lame…

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Harbor Freight J’s (1 Kings 15 -16)

Ep169 (1 Kings 15 -16) Me and my homies talk about revisiting old movies that you thought were good but are actually just a premake of a newer movie with the same characters and the drug trips are fake af. The Jewish civil war continues even after the death of King Jeroboam. Caleb makes a…

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I Thought We Were Friends (1 Kings 15)

Ep168 (1 Kings 15) It’s Caleb’s birthday so everyone gets handjob because we are close buddies. We get into the reign of Asa no not the pornstar. Asa has a civil war with the Jeroboam in the north. Unfortunately all the details are recorded in another book which we do not have access to. This…

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If You Can Read This… (1 Kings 14)

Ep16 (1 Kings 14) Happy Valentines day dipshits. We reinvestigate the story of Steve and Larry the lying prophet and how this relates to biblical interpretation. So king Jeroboam’s kid gets sick. The king tells his wife to don a disguise and go visit a blind prophet. Why she needs a disguise for blind man…

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Here Comes The Bride (1 Kings 13)

Ep166 (1 Kings 13) Caleb has had his balls removed. In Bible times, king Jeroboam is worshipping cows will nilly so god sends a man from Judah to put a stop to it. The man uses his god powers to wither the king’s hand and then restore it. The king tries to repay the jesus…

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Jeroboam Rehoboam

Ep165 (1 Kings 12) Kyle gets beat down worse than Connor Macgregor. Solomon has died and the Kingdom is passed to his son Rehoboam. His first order of business is to tell all his dad’s advisors to go fuck themselves and hire his buddies. Next, he tells his subjects that the beatings will continue until…

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Justice Boner (1 Kings 11)

Ep 164 (1 Kings 11) Much like christ, the Lord of Hosts has been forsaken by his father. The King of Tardness finds this hilarious and bullies him. 3000 years ago Solomon has finished notching his bed post for the literal thousandth time. Dem asses makes Solomon worship the wrong god(s) by accident and this…

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Solomon’s Hoes (1 Kings 11)

EP163 (1 Kings 11) The interupter gets ripped off on Facebook marketplace. This week the bible reads more like a magazine listing all of the hookups of king Solomon. Solomon, the wisest man to have ever lived past, present, or future, takes for himself 700 royal wives. If that were not enough he picked up…

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Smoke Sheba Sheba (1 Kings 10)

EP162 (1 Kings 10) Caleb delves into his dark past as a crackhead. The bible turns into a reality show. The Queen of Sheba visits Solomon to validate the claims of his wealth and wisdom. Solomon of course lives up to the hype as the smartest man that ever lived. Next, it turns into an…

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