christianity

The Bible Beaters – Handjob of Death – (Genesis 47-50)

EP18 (Genesis 47-50) God springs his terrible plan into action. Joseph gets the last laugh because the famine is so severe that not only does he gather everyone’s money but also all of their possessions, land, and even the people themselves to become slaves in return for the food he has saved. Jacob Israel gives some more…

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It’s Gods Plan and It’s Not Good – (Genesis 45 – 46)

EP17 (Genesis 45 – 46) Kyle the interrupter ruins the podcast before it can even begin to get any momentum sending our hosts spiraling into drunken raving. Joseph reveals his true identity which blows everybody’s minds and loads. We find out that god has a plan for everyone and, in your case, its most likely that…

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Starvation and Revenge – (Genesis 42-44)

EP16 (Genesis 42-44) So Joseph’s brothers have to make the trek to Egypt to get food because god decided the world should go on diet. Luckily, Joseph had a metric fuck ton of food saved up. The brothers aren’t about to be let off so easily, Joseph accuses them of being spies and locks up Simeon…

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DreamWeaver – (Genesis 38 – 41)

EP15 (Genesis 38 – 41) In this episode we find out that god does in fact cry over spilled semen, or rather will put you to death for it. One can be redeemed by becoming a prostitute though so don’t despair. Next back to the dreamer and his fancy cloak. Joseph get’s #metoo’d but saves…

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A List of Useless Names – (Genesis 35-37)

EP14 (Genesis 35-37) Kyle gives a hilariously bad summary of Bible up to this point. We then become Alt right anti-Semites for a bit before abandoning those dumb ideas to be scientific biblical literalists. Caleb becomes incredibly frustrated trying to read 3 pages of names and this is very funny to Kyle. Then Joseph the…

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Birth of a Nation – (Genesis 32-34)

EP13 (Genesis 32-34) The hairy baby has grown into a hairy man and Jacob fears his twin Esau’s vengeance. He is so scared he wrestles with god all night and demands yet another blessing like the Jew he is. In the process he founds the nation of Israel out of stolen blessings. He sends his…

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Hitler’s Angel – (Genesis 30-31)

EP12 (Genesis 30-31) In this episode of the bible beaters Jacob (the deceiver) uses the classic scam of peeling almond branches and putting them in the watering troughs of spotted or speckled goats in order to rip off his father in law of his fattest animals. After this somehow works, Jacob decides hes had enough of…

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Two Chicks at the Same Time – (Genesis 29-30)

EP011 (Genesis 29-30) So Jacob stole his hairyness’ inHAIRitence. Well more specifically his birthright and blessing (which there is a finite amount of for some reason.) Esau the orangutan is pissed and vows to kill his bro. Jacob flees like the mama’s boy he is and whilst running away gets tired and has a nap…

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Deception is the Key – (Genesis 26-28)

EP10 (Genesis 26-28) our hosts start to suffer some real world consequences for merely reading god’s holy word. In the story, yet another famine strikes and god tells Isaac not to flee to Egypt but to stay among the philistines. Isaac uses his dad’s classic trick and pretends his wife is his sister to the…

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Pickin Up Chicks – (Genesis 24-25)

EP9 (Genesis 24-25) Isaac is all grown up and the most eligible bachelor around. In keeping with his incestuous heritage Abraham sends his servant back to the homeland to find a wife for him from amongst his relatives. The diligent servant fulfills his quest and gets a hot babe named Rebekah for his new master…

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