I Eat Ashes for Breakfast (Psalms 54, 56) (BONUS)

I Eat Ashes for Breakfast (Psalms 54, 56) (BONUS)

EP127 (Psalms 54, 56) This is the official opening of the book of Psalms. Honestly, the Psalms kinda sucks so we are giving it to you as a bonus. If your wondering what happened at 6:30, we had to edit a part out for being too funny. It’s basically the equivalent of finding David’s diary. It’s full of poems about how everyone is mean to him, how he’s gay for god, how he gets sad sometimes, and how he gets glad sometimes. We talk about why the Psalms are included in the bible, the glaring contradictions inherent in choosing parts to apply to your life, coming to religion later in life, and of course the Jews. Kyle even reads for a bit. If you hate it go ahead and shit on us in the comments.

This Shit is B.A.N.A.N.A.S (1 Samuel 23-24)

This Shit is B.A.N.A.N.A.S (1 Samuel 23-24)

EP126 (1 Samuel 23-24) Kyle is going bald. After Saul massacred the priests at Nob, David is gathering forces at Keliah. Saul attempts a to seige Keliah in order to trap David. David asks god what he should do and god tells him to flee because king Saul is on the way. So Dave runs into the desert of Ziph, where prince Johnathan comes to tell him that everybody and their dogs know that David will soon be king. They make another covenant before the lord which sounds kinda gay. Just as Saul is about to catch up to David the pesky Philistines attack forcing Saul to break off his pursuit. A listener writes back to defend himself.

Daddy in Heaven (1 Samuel 20-21)

Daddy in Heaven (1 Samuel 20-21)

EP125 (1 Samuel 20-21) (Psalms 11 & 51) Kyle is right and Caleb apologies thereby fulfilling the prophecy. After David confirms that Saul is out to kill him, he flees to the land of Nob where he lies to the priest so that the priest will help. The priest is out of regular bread, but he does have some holy bread. Holy bread can only be consumed if you have not had sex in a few days. Luckily for David, he gets less pussy than Sylvester the Cat, so he eats some bread then writes a couple poems about how hard his life is. The priest furnishes him with Goliath’s old sword; a powerful weapon recognizable anywhere in the kingdom, before sending David away. Running low on options David takes the most reckless of chances and walks into the hostile land of Gath. He is immediately recognized by his enemies and brought before the King of Gath. Thinking quickly, David pretends to be insane and it totally works. A listener asks us about the problem of evil.

Peginas (1 Samuel 19)

Peginas (1 Samuel 19)

EP124 (1 Samuel 19) Kyle’s travel plans are cancelled. Saul’s jealousy of David’s success culminates in a red wedding-like plot to kill David. Luckily, Dave has an inside man in prince Johnathan. Thus begins the best bromance in the bible. The pair decide its best for Dave to skip the festival and Johnathan gauges the kings reaction. Saul is furious and David goes into hiding. A listener demonstrates the efficacy of flattery.

Bring Me the Dicks of My Enemies (1 Samuel 14)

Bring Me the Dicks of My Enemies (1 Samuel 14)

Ep123 (1 Samuel 14)
Caleb loves the pandemic, Kyle hates it, Young Tism is retarded. We dip our dicks into the Psalms and then continue with the story. King Saul is jealous of David’s success so he hatches a diabolical plan. David wants to marry Sauls daughter. Saul sends David on a quest for 100 Philistine foreskins hoping that the Philistines will kill David. David pulls an alpha male move and brings king Saul 200 foreskins and then bangs his daughter. A listener asks us about the the top 10 commandments.

David and Goliath (1 Samuel 17)

David and Goliath (1 Samuel 17)

Ep122 (1 Samuel 17) The young tism makes his podcast debut. Caleb talks about being underage in a bar in England. Kyle is getting into frolf. In the bible the Israelites are facing off against their bitter enemies the Philistines. A champion standing over 9 ft tall named Goliath of Gath taunts the Israelites day and night for 40 days. Can a you shepherd boy stand up to this uncircumcised Philistine. A listener asks about the 900 year old people.

Fill Your Horn With Oil and Take a Heffer (1 Samuel 16)

Fill Your Horn With Oil and Take a Heffer (1 Samuel 16)

Ep121 (1 Samuel 16) Kyle postulates that universal education is a waste of money. We go over the fates of the 12 Apostles of Jesus. Simon Peter is notable for inventing Bad Religion’s logo. Saul’s tenure of the kingship has come to an end, at least in god’s mind, so god has his mouthpiece go and slather a young handsome shepherd boi with oil. SO hot. god then hexes his ex bf with an evil torturous spirit because he is petty that way. A listener questions if the Jews are really god’s favorite.

72 Year Old Boomer Gets Rejected By God On Tinder (1 Samuel 15)

72 Year Old Boomer Gets Rejected By God On Tinder (1 Samuel 15)

Ep120 (1 Samuel 15) We get right into if Jesus really existed or not and martyrdom of the apostles. Lawfully is the hardest word to say in the English language. We might have corona. Kyle wonders why do not know more about who wrote the bible. Saul problems go from bad to worse. god commands him to kill all the Amelekite Men, Women, Children, INFANTS, and animals. Saul obediently genocides a whole people group but decides to let the animals live. This makes god sad. A listener questions why A- Aron gets away with making the golden calf.