EP134 Fat Lives Matter The prodigal host Simeon Campbell returns. Caleb has a new business venture. Kyle joins the boys in Solidarity. In Bible times, Ish Boseth, the last obstruction to David taking the entire kingdom of Israel, has been murdered. David declares war on the Jebusites, takes the city of Jerusalem and names it after himself. The next order of business is to get the ark of the covenant over there, so he holds a parade. The ark nearly trips and falls but Uzzah saves the day by steadying the cart. For this god kills him. Then king David hosts Israel’s biggest dance party. His wife is pissed at his half naked dance moves. David becomes even more undignified than this… Some would say its foolishness!
EP133 (2 Samuel 3-4) The world is slowly emerging from its cocoon and the dudes are back to performing comedy. After king Saul’s suicide his general Abner is having trepidations about waging further warfare against David who seems to have god’s blessing. The new king Ish Boseth accuses Abner son of Ner of banging his dad’s prozzies so Abner makes peace with David and offers his professional services. David is happy to have his old friend back on his side but his second in command Joab will not serve next to his brothers’ murderer. Joab avenges his brothers murder in a dark alley. King David is pissed and curses Joab. A listener asks us about biblical infallibility.
Ep132 (2 Samuel 2-3) The fellas start discussing abortions but cant decide who should end the discussion. David continues his conquest of Israel against Abner son of Ner the de-facto general of Saul’s army. Abner runs away like Drew Brees and gets cornered. First he send propagandists like the communist to weaken thier moral position. Then he proposes a 12 on 12 knife fight which ends in Joab kicking all sorts of ass. after losing 12 of his best knife fighters Abner decides to join king Davids cause. A listener is mean for no reason.
EP131 (1 Samuel – 2 Samuel) The fella’s return from a camping trip to find the world on fire. Kyle opened his mind to acid and may never be the same again. In the bible king Saul’s life culminates in the deaths of all of his sons and the total destruction of Israel’s army. After all hope is lost king Saul asks his armour bearer to end his life. The armour bearer is a basic bitch and a bad friend and says “you won’t do it pussy!” Saul promptly does it and it was badass. So badass the armour bearer follows up with his own swan sword dive. David learns of Sauls death from some self serving liar who tries to take credit for the soduko. David executes this weasle immediately then sings a song about it. Keith corrects us on the topic of gods evil.
EP130 (1 Samuel 29 – 30) Caleb barely survives a drunken hike. We discuss the ethics of lying and kneeling. Kyle describes what life would be like if he were dictator. Saul committed terrible evil when he went to consult the Witch of Endor. She brings back Samuel from the dead who warns Saul that his days are numbered. Meanwhile, David is fighting for the Philistines under King Acish. The other Philistine commanders do not trust the faux psycho giant slayer so the tell David to kick rocks. David goes back to his hideout only to find it ransacked by the Amalekites. David and his homies chase down and kill his enemies and rescues his wives and his men’s families.
EP129 (1 Samuel 25 – 26) Kyle gets into a frisbee golf fight. Kyle eloquently recaps David’s life for the past year or so. David has escaped into the desert of Ziph. He recruits some scouts and sneaks past Abner son of Ner into Saul’s camp and absconds with Saul water bottle and spear. Once again David’s men encourage him to end Saul’s life but David will not lay a hand on god’s anointed. Once David shows Saul that he could have killed king Saul yet again, Saul realized his wickedness and promises David he will not try to harm him again. David then goes back into the land of Gath and starts raiding and trading from land of the Philistines. A listener asks us about christ’s sacrifice.
EP128 (1 Samuel 24 – 25) Caleb returns from Isolation Festival. Saul has dealt with the Philistines in his rear and returns to pursuing David. David and 600 of his buddies hide in a cave. Saul decides he needs to drop a king sized deuce in said cave. As the fart sounds amplify off of the natural acoustics David’s men tell David that this is the moment he has been waiting for. David creeps up behind Saul and cuts off a corner of his cloak. He uses this to prove to Saul that he does not intend to kill Saul. Saul totally believes him which may last for 5 minutes. David, then moves on to the richest guy around’s property and stands next to his goats. For this “protection” David affords he demands compensation. The rich guy’s hot wife gives David a bunch of food. David spares the rich man’s life but he dies of natural causes 6 days later. David takes this rich mans wife and property. A listener has a dream to be interpreted.
EP127 (Psalms 54, 56) This is the official opening of the book of Psalms. Honestly, the Psalms kinda sucks so we are giving it to you as a bonus. If your wondering what happened at 6:30, we had to edit a part out for being too funny. It’s basically the equivalent of finding David’s diary. It’s full of poems about how everyone is mean to him, how he’s gay for god, how he gets sad sometimes, and how he gets glad sometimes. We talk about why the Psalms are included in the bible, the glaring contradictions inherent in choosing parts to apply to your life, coming to religion later in life, and of course the Jews. Kyle even reads for a bit. If you hate it go ahead and shit on us in the comments.
EP126 (1 Samuel 23-24) Kyle is going bald. After Saul massacred the priests at Nob, David is gathering forces at Keliah. Saul attempts a to seige Keliah in order to trap David. David asks god what he should do and god tells him to flee because king Saul is on the way. So Dave runs into the desert of Ziph, where prince Johnathan comes to tell him that everybody and their dogs know that David will soon be king. They make another covenant before the lord which sounds kinda gay. Just as Saul is about to catch up to David the pesky Philistines attack forcing Saul to break off his pursuit. A listener writes back to defend himself.
EP125 (1 Samuel 20-21) (Psalms 11 & 51) Kyle is right and Caleb apologies thereby fulfilling the prophecy. After David confirms that Saul is out to kill him, he flees to the land of Nob where he lies to the priest so that the priest will help. The priest is out of regular bread, but he does have some holy bread. Holy bread can only be consumed if you have not had sex in a few days. Luckily for David, he gets less pussy than Sylvester the Cat, so he eats some bread then writes a couple poems about how hard his life is. The priest furnishes him with Goliath’s old sword; a powerful weapon recognizable anywhere in the kingdom, before sending David away. Running low on options David takes the most reckless of chances and walks into the hostile land of Gath. He is immediately recognized by his enemies and brought before the King of Gath. Thinking quickly, David pretends to be insane and it totally works. A listener asks us about the problem of evil.